In last week?s Friday Funny, I posted this article, which led me to another article about why women often don?t set strong boundaries when it comes to expressing that they aren?t interested in a man that is hitting on them.?
Since I hear from both men and women, I hear both sides of the frustration that this has created. Women have asked me how to decline a date without coming across too mean. Men have expressed pain, frustration, and heartbreak from having so many attempts to approach and start conversations go poorly, and how debilitating the constant rejection is.
I find myself in a bit of a ?I agree with her? and ?I agree with him? pickle. Is there a way for women to set firm boundaries and retain their safety and autonomy without crushing mens? hearts and good intentions in the process?
I believe there is. I believe the solution lies in being able to make a distinction between sexual interest and sexual threat.
Why is this distinction so important? Because there is nothing sexy about feeling threatened (role-playing among consenting adults doesn?t count as a real threat where someone actually fears for their well-being), and many boundary-crossers are ruining it for the good guys who just want to make a connection and engage in some consensual sexual activity.
First, let?s acknowledge that the threat that women feel is real. Not only because rape is real, and common enough for women to be concerned about it, even those women who have not been a victim of rape have had some guy, at some point, cross boundaries he shouldn?t have sexually. For most women, this has happened multiple times.
When I was in college, I stayed over at the house of a guy because I got locked out of my place and it was too late at night to get it opened easily. I made it clear I was not interested in sex and was only staying over because it was (I thought) a safe option. I woke up the next morning to him trying to put his hands down my pants. I bolted upright and smacked his hand away. We both looked at each other, frozen, until I mumbled something about needed to leave and hurried the fuck out of there.
Point is, while not every woman has been raped, pretty much every woman has some kind of story like this where they were scared. I?ve had strange men follow me on the street and harass me when I told them I wanted to be left alone. One time, while I was with another girl friend, we ran into the middle of the street to stop a stranger?s car, begging them to give us a ride, because the guys following us started swinging a heavy chain as a weapon. Another time, I thought I saw a guy slipping something into my drink while on a date, so I ?accidentally? spilled it so I could order another one. So I might not be counted in the statistics of how many women get raped each year, but that doesn?t mean I don?t have to live with that fear?and I know I?m not the only woman!
Now, I want to add to this that the majority of men haven?t crossed any lines like these, and never would. Most normal/good guys get in grouped in with the bad apples out there, and this often gets overlooked by people who emphasize the reality of the danger presented by the bad apples.
Secondly, let?s acknowledge that men have been shamed for their sexuality, and that is wrong. Men in today?s culture have been made to feel ashamed of having sexual interest in women, unless it is ONE woman that they want to MARRY, and then it?s romantic. A man who wants to sleep with a lot of women is called ?player,? ?pig,? ?dog,? and other such insults, even if that man would never force a woman to do anything against her will. This is not to say that women aren?t shamed for being sexual even more, a point which has been made by many people before me. What is often forgotten when this point is made is that men are also shamed culturally for being overtly sexual.
The truth is, many women who say that a man should respect her wishes do not respect HIS wishes. I?m not at all saying that if he wishes to sleep with her, and she doesn?t sleep with him, that she is disrespectful. She?and everyone else?has a right to say no. What I mean is, you can say no to something, and still respect the fact that the person wants it.
If your friend asks to borrow your car, you can tell him no in a nice way. There is no need to say, ?Ugh, how could you even ask me that? What makes you think you can just?seriously, you?re really fucked up for wanting my car. At least buy me dinner first for you even think you can borrow my car. Ugh, that?s so sleazy!? Yet, this is the attitude that we often have towards men expressing a desire for sex, especially when that desire is for commitment-free sex.
There is nothing wrong with sexual desire, and there is nothing wrong with wanting ?just sex? from a woman, without being in a committed relationship. Wanting to sleep with a woman doesn?t make you a rapist; raping people makes you a rapist. ?We as a society badly need to heal this fucked up attitude we have towards men?s sexual desires (womens? too, and that?s a topic for another time).
I believe that men and women both need to change certain attitudes if we are going to make dating safe and more fun for everyone involved. Here are, in my humble opinion, some of the key changes that need to be made:
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WHAT WOMEN CAN DO:
1. Do Not Degrade a Man for His Sexual Desires
A sexual desire for you is not an automatic sexual threat. A man only becomes a threat when he demonstrates that he does not care about your wishes or your boundaries. Do not dismiss good men as potential rapists right off the bat. Do not even dismiss super horny men as potential rapists just because they are super horny.
There is a difference between being hungry, and deciding that your hunger entitles you to steal food that does not belong to you. Imagine how you would feel if every time you hinted at the fact that you were hungry, the people around you automatically treated you like a greedy pig and a food-thief. Imagine if every time your eyes wandered to a tasty looking dish in a cafe window, the cafe owner would give you a dirty look and close the curtains. This is how most of society treats men for admiring women and desiring sex.
Sexual desire is healthy and natural. When a man finds you sexually desirable, that is a compliment to your feminine beauty, not an affront to the advances of feminism. Receive compliments and attention gracefully. This doesn?t obligate you to do anything with them, and it doesn?t obligate you to talk to them for longer than you want to. In fact, it doesn?t obligate you to ANYTHING, therefore the desire itself is nothing to fear.
As I wrote about in my article on being more feminine, I?ve found being kind and receptive to male attention does NOT invite more unwanted or more dangerous attention?it actually makes it much easier for me to avoid unwanted attention. I?m not exactly sure why this is, but I think it has something to do with a cold response giving a man the mistaken impression that ?if he just opened me up a little, I?d change my mind,? whereas when I say, from an open place, and with a smile on my face, ?Thanks! I gotta go, though, super busy with errands today,? he knows that I am genuinely not interested in further conversation, even in my best mood.
The best part about fully accepting the fact that men view you as a sexual being is that can boost your confidence and make you feel great! So let it do just that.
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2. Do Not Play Hard to Get or Other Such ?Try Harder? Games
There is a lot of bullshit ideology out there about how women are coy and don?t like to appear easy, so they will say no when they mean yes, or they will change their mind if you are persistent enough. There is even prolific dating advice written by women for women encouraging them to play hard to get. This is a huge problem that perpetuates date rape and unwanted sexual advances.
Do your part and do not play these dating games. No means no, and it needs to mean no all the time, every time.
Along these lines, if you really want a guy who?s hitting on you to leave you alone, don?t rely on subtle things like glancing around the room and fidgeting, or pulling out your phone, ?hoping he will get the hint.? If you are doing this kind of thing, instead of being upfront about what you want and don?t want, then he is not the one making things uncomfortable, YOU are by not speaking up.
If you?re interested, say yes. If you?re not, say no. If you?re unsure about a man, tell him so (?I really like you and I?m not sure if I?m ready to go home with you. Maybe we can spend some more time getting to know each other??) While some men might take the bait when it comes to certain mind games, I don?t know of any man who enjoys having his head fucked with; I know plenty of men who hate it and want a straightforward woman! You being clear about where you stand will not only protect you from sending potentially misinterpreted signals, it will also make you more desirable to the men you do want to attract.
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3. Set Strong Boundaries; Remain Kind Until a Boundary has Been Disrespected
I?ve written an entire article about setting strong boundaries, and another one on how to decline a date when you?re not interested. In both articles, I stress the importance of being willing to come across as a firm, cold, assholish bitch at times. This doesn?t mean do that at the drop of a hat; it means be willing to buck social niceties to protect your safety if necessary.
As I mentioned before, I am kind to 99% of men who approach me wanting to flirt, whether I?m interested in flirting back of not. That?s because 99% of those men are cool. The other 1% has called me bitch, crazy bitch, stupid bitch, stupid ho, ungrateful whore, and asked, ?why are you so closed off?? This is terribly unacceptable behavior on the part of this 1%, and hopefully one day society will have transformed to the point where such responses to a woman?s lack of sexual interest in them will be a thing of a past.
Until that time, the reality is, haters are gonna hate, and immature boys are gonna cry bitch when you tell them that they can?t touch your boobs. Let them. My standard response to being called such a name is, ?This ?bitch? has told you 3 times now that I am not interested and I want you to leave me alone.? I know who I am, and I know that I treat most men with kindness and compassion, so I also know that if a man is in the 1% that gets me to rear my ?ugly? side, he deserved it. Be willing to firmly say, ?Get the fuck away from me? when necessary, and you will find that you rarely have to actually say it.
Along these lines, take a self defense class. The more you know you can deal with a douchebag if things get out of control, the more you can relax in your day-to-day life and interactions with men.
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WHAT MEN CAN DO:
1. Stop Blaming Women for Their Fear of Rape; Instead, Call Out the Men Who are Part of the Problem
As I mentioned before, many single women live in a constant state of uncertainty about the men they meet; they are on a spectrum from Mr. Right to Mr. Serial Killer, with rapists, jerks, and boring ?nice guys? in between. Until we get to know a guy, he could be any one of those things.
Diminishing this reality, or calling it trivial, or worse, calling a woman paranoid or bitchy for keeping herself as safe as possible, is part of the problem. And by ?the problem,? I don?t just mean the problem of sexual assault; I also mean the problem of women having their guards up and rejecting men in an overly harsh way.
If you want this to change, stop blaming women for being cold, entitled bitches, and start calling out the douchebags who actually think it?s ok to ?push past? a woman?s ?defenses.? The PUA world is rampant with advice that talks about how to deal with a woman?s lack of interest, calling her personal boundaries a ?bitch shield,? and other such misogynistic nonsense. Gentlemen, this crap is why the woman you just tried to approach wouldn?t give you the time of day.
This includes calling her fear irrational because ?statistics show?? Fear is not a rational decision; it is a feeling that is generated from past experiences and current circumstances not feeling safe. My personal fear (which is mild compared to many women, especially those who actually have been assaulted) comes from the collection of experiences I?ve had, ranging from sexual jokes in the workplace to the stories I shared earlier where I genuinely feared for my life.
Women are humans, not video games with levels to beat (this might be an obvious statement to you reading this, but you?d be surprised how many men, especially pick-up oriented men, treat women this way). The woman who is busy, preoccupied, or not interested in conversation with a strangers is not a ?more difficult creature to conquer;? she is a person to be left alone. Perhaps she has a good reason for being reserved; perhaps she really is just a cold, stuck-up be-otch. Either way, you shouldn?t be talking to her, so move on.
If, however, you are the guy to call out another guy?s bad behavior, you set yourself apart both as a good guy and as one sexy, sexy man. When Chris Brecheen posted his story about how he dealt with a douchebag who wouldn?t leave a woman alone on the train, my initial reaction was, ?Wow, that?s so hot!? I know that wasn?t his intention, and that?s what makes it hotter. This is one place where being the good guy will definitely get you the girl!
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2. Use a Friendship-First Approach When Talking to Women
This is a non-confrontational way to see if she is interested in talking to you and flirting back. This will only make her feel more comfortable, it will make the approach, interaction, and her response much easier on you! She might say no, but the likelihood that you get a harsh rejection and a drink in your face is much lower. Especially if you?
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3. Respond to Signals and Respect Boundaries
Many men have told me that they don?t know how to interpret non-verbal signals from women; I have yet to meet a man for whom this is actually true. That doesn?t mean they aren?t out there. However, most people really do know how to read non-verbal cues, they just don?t know which ones to respond to and which ones to ignore, because their head has been filled with doubts, concerns, and crap about ?you?re not a real man unless you can make it happen anyway.?
Those who really do have trouble reading body language signals tend to be grateful for someone spelling it out for them (?I?m not in the mood for conversation right now; I just want to read my book.?), and will promptly leave that person alone. This is hardly the reaction of a persistent jerk.
Although I have been emphasizing the importance of understanding why women are concerned with potential sexual threats, the fact is I don?t fear for the purity of my loins every time a guy starts hitting on me and won?t go away. I know that in public places like bars, restaurants, and populated parks, as long as a keep an eye on any drinks I have, the risk is low.
Why do I say this? Because crossing someone?s boundaries is a shitty, shitty thing to do, even if you weren?t ever planning on actually raping her. The minute a woman says, ?I want to be left alone,? and you ignore that and keep talking to her, you?ve made her uncomfortable, and violated her in some way.
While the stories I shared were more extreme incidents that don?t happen that often, receiving explicitly unwanted attention DOES happen often to most women. Don?t be that guy.
If you are unclear about the signals she?s sending, ask (in a calm way!) something like, ?Are you ok? I can?t tell if you?re enjoying this conversation or not.? The guy who cheerfully says, ?You know, you can tell me to go away? is much, much more attractive than the desperate guy who tries to persist when it?s not happening.
One final word for both men and women: perception is projection, and whatever you?re angry about ?out there,? there is something inside of you to heal. This does NOT mean that what?s going on in the outside world is ?all in your head,? and it certainly doesn?t make anything that?s happened to you all your fault. What it means is that the women who often complain about men overstepping boundaries are very often the same women to call, text, and FaceBook stalk old boyfriends who have asked them to stop (or something similar). The same men who complain about ?women think all men are assholes? often walk around with the mentality that ?all women are stuck-up, entitled bitches who have an advantage over men because they have vaginas (or something similar). In other words, check your own behavior first.
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Alright, I know this was one of my heavier-handed topics; it had to be discussed (I think giving dating advice without broaching these topics is irresponsible), so I?m ending with a friendly reminder that flirting is supposed to be fun! And, when things are safer for everyone, they become a lot more fun for everyone too.
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